Grief. Loss. Pain.

By Ria Talwar

We experience each of these in a myriad of circumstances and yet they feel like an abstract concept. One, that we often feel we have a hold on but then it slips away. I wish I could share what I learnt from my journey of grief, but every day I wake up with new questions. They say time heals and while I think that is true, grief is funny like that. I can go months sharing stories about my dad while smiling and not feel the pain in my heart, but one day I hear his favourite song and I’m back to 3 years ago. Finding myself deep breathing to stay grounded.

But what I have learnt is that there is no timeline to grieving. Allow yourself the space and time to feel what you feel. Don’t feel pressured to be ‘less of a burden’ to a loved one. Don’t feel pressured to measure your pain based on how much time has passed. Don’t feel pressured to feel ‘okay.’ Don’t feel pressured to be the same person you were before grief. As hard as it is to accept, how can we be the same when our whole world changed? And maybe that’s okay. Sometimes a good cry or loud scream is exactly what we need. Or some dark humour to laugh until we cry.

I have learnt that grief has many names: anger, anxiety, loneliness and feeling lost. These are just a few I encounter often. I have also learnt that grief has many layers: loss of a person, loss of a future, loss of identity and loss of self. What I’m trying to say is, it’s A LOT. Healing does not mean no longer feeling the pain. Sometimes healing is self-compassion. To take up space and feel your emotions.

Let’s compare our grief to waves. Some days we surf the wave and some days we let it wash over us. And sometimes we just need to remind ourselves, maybe once in a while or several times a day, to swim a little more, until we reach the shore.