Notes on love

By Alice Haddon

One of the most important life decisions you will make concerns romantic love.  Many will say that love chooses you; that it comes out of the blue, leaving you little choice but to be swept along with it.  And it may begin like this, but in essence love is always a choice you make.  It is a choice that centres on love as an action…an intention, not a once and for all thing.  Love is where our hope, peace and happiness lies.  It is also where our greatest sorrows, frustrations and disappointments lurk.  It is both the simplest of experiences and the most complex.

When I was going through my mother’s belongings after she died, I found one precious piece of paper.  Faded with age, and typed from a typewriter, it outlined her decision to leave my father.  Not in prose but in a list, reasons to stay, and reasons to go.  I know she had kept diaries throughout her life, I had seen them.  But they were nowhere now, she must have decided to throw them away.  But this piece of paper, pragmatically detailing her decision to leave my father she had kept.  Like a talisman, perhaps reminding her over the subsequent years that she had made the right decision, she kept it close.

I hope that you have chosen to love someone who sees your goodness, loves you with great faith, and cherishes you for all your qualities and your fragilities.  Someone who assuages your deepest fears and meets you deepest needs.  But if you find yourself with someone who is treating you otherwise, you may need to re-think.  People can end up staying in relationships long after it’s reasonable to hope for change, and it’s worth considering. like my mother did, what you are tolerating and at what cost. Write a list if it helps.

If this is not enough, try this… Picture yourself aged around seven years old, and imagine you are able to talk to that little girl now. Tell her what you hope for her. What does this tell you about your current relationship, if it’s not good enough for her, is it good enough for you?