Growing around loss

By Sarah Childs

When a relationship ends many of those around you might try to comfort by saying that time will heal the pain. For a long time, I couldn’t take this in and found myself protesting against it. It makes me think of my time working in bereavement counselling and the protest stage of grief, where one might experience anger, intense yearning for and preoccupation with thoughts of the person one has lost, finding oneself in a battle against what has happened. Perhaps a part of me felt that accepting this idea that time would heal the pain would be some kind of betrayal to the relationship we had, as well as to the hope that he was coming back. Looking back on it now, I am reminded of Tonkin’s model of growing around grief, something I referred to a lot in my bereavement work because it made so much sense to me and always to my clients too. When we first experience the loss of someone we love it can feel all consuming, like all parts of our lives are clouded with the grief. Imagining a time where it won’t feel like this seems impossible. Tonkin proposed that rather than the pain of grief getting smaller or even withdrawing with time, it stays the same size, but your life starts to grow around it, so that it gradually takes up less space in your world. The person, the relationship you had, and the pain of that loss will remain in your heart. There might be times where this feels more present or powerful, for example, when you go back to a place you spent time togetherand those feelings come rushing back. But, as time goes by, you learn to let go of the battle with what happened. You allow room for new people, experiences,and possibilities, helping your life to make sense again, making these moments easier to take in your stride and you start to believe in the new beginnings around the corner.