Conversations about change

By Ruth Field

Besides conveying information, a key function of language is to motivate and influence behaviour; motivation being one of the primary drivers of change. Yet we are all too familiar with the cadence of ambivalence that accompanies the prospect of change, aren’t we?

I want to change jobs because I’m undervalued and don’t get on with my boss, but I’m scared of losing the security, and what if my next boss is even worse?’ Swinging back and forth on the ‘yes, but’ seesaw, we feel unable or unwilling to commit. Perhaps we get motivated enough to take a step forward and update that CV, even submit it to a recruitment agency, only to find ourselves pulled back after a great day at work and the offer of a small pay rise.

Isn’t it interesting though how expert we are at change when it comes to directing others? We can all recognise ourselves in conversation with a heartbroken friend perhaps, when the desire to fix what seems so blatantly obvious brings our righting reflex powerfully into play….Of course you must leave him; he’s a narcissist…

And yet, they don’t leave.

It’s a peculiarly sticky state - ambivalence - one that we can remain stuck in for a long time, vacillating between two paths or two relationships.

So what does help us get off the see-saw of ambivalence? Well, the evidence overwhelmingly suggests that people are far more likely to be persuaded by what they hear themselves say.

At The Heartbreak Hotel we always have this in mind. We recognise that everything you need to know is inside you already. Our deep therapeutic work helps access that inherent wisdom, and the nurturing environment and wraparound care of the retreat facilitates the desire to act on it. During a walk or jog on the beach, or over a cup of tea by the fire, that pull towards change becomes irresistible. One of the techniques we use is known as motivational interviewing (MI). Aside from being one number away from spy territory, lending it a kind of 007 vibe we really dig, it’s a way of arranging powerful conversations so that people talk themselves into change, based on their own values and interests. An epic MI conversation is like a dance. Someone is leading with great skill, but their moves are seamless and invisible. The outcome however, can be dramatic: the experience of the penny having dropped, and a breakthrough made manifest.

We all have ambivalence and we all get stuck on that see-saw, but isn’t it empowering to realise we actually already have the wisdom within us to know what to do about it? All we really need to do is listen.

Here are some of our favourite MI questions to get you practising: And yes, you can have an MI conversation with yourself. I’m always at it in the bath! ‘What’ questions tend to work more powerfully, so try to frame your questions around ‘what’ (as opposed to ‘why’ or ‘how’). Okay, so now think about something you want to change, and need to change, but haven’t changed yet and then ask yourself:

1. What makes this change important?

2. What action/s is needed for you to succeed?

3. What are you pretending you don’t know?

4. So, what do you think you’ll do?