Choosing to choose

By Ruth Field

If ever there was a day designed to remind women that it is indeed our lot to be ‘chosen,’ by way of all of our favourite things (?!) – red roses and cards full of terrible poetry – it’s St Valentine’s Day. And the threads of this idea of being ‘chosen’ stitch all the way back to the stories of how Valentine’s Day came about.  Of the many theories about its precise origins, the one which appeals to me most is from the Ancient Roman festival Lupercalia on Feb 15th at which – brace yourselves ladies – the priests took off their clothes and slaughtered goats in a cave (this being a most holy past-time), then cut the goats’ skin into strips and ran around Rome whipping nearby women with the bloody hides (why, you may well ask…)  In order to enhance the women’s’ fertility (ahhh, the vital importance of some light S&M for stimulating those ovaries, how silly of me to forget!) After this delightful foreplay ritual, a match-making lottery ensued at which it was determined who among these women were lucky enough to be chosen. Random men picked women’s names from a jar and those chosen were coupled until the following year’s festival. Over time, the nakedness element lost its appeal, (surprise surprise), and the festival became more chaste…women were still whipped, but on their hands (where they belong) and by fully clothed males (thank the Lord for small mercies)

And who said romance was dead?

So, if you are single and feel sad and lonely about this, and Valentine’s Day is a trigger for you, the first thing I’d invite you to do is to remind yourself of this Godawful story and start the day with a giggle about the absurdity of such a tradition having any place at all in the modern world, given its possible roots, and that not having been ‘chosen’ back then must surely have been a blessing.  And on a more serious note, as women collectively that we consider taking a stand against this, call it out and consign the notion of being chosen once and for all back to the dark ages where it—quite literally—belongs. Because this idea of being chosen is insidious and pervasive as it is diminishing – of all women. It is one of the reasons why women can feel such shame after a break up, even when we are the ones who have been betrayed, because when we allow ourselves to be chosen, we open ourselves up to being ‘un-chosen’ and feeling bereft of any intrinsic worth.

So, let’s shift the focus onto you doing the choosing instead. And start by choosing yourself. Because when you invest time and energy into orientating your life and decisions around what matters to you – and make that a priority, a rosier future will unfold. As a natural consequence of choosing yourself, you’ll be guided towards a partner that meets your love needs and aligns to your values and beliefs, should you choose to need one at all. Choosing yourself puts you as the CEO of all your romantic business, which will protect you from dark triad types trying to sell you their empty promises and act as a protective shield against any love bombing attacks.

Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

Choosing yourself

Is the best thing to do